ADHD and Relationships

As you know from my writing already, I love working with folks with ADHD, especially late diagnosed women and nonbinary folks. And, it’s often the case that they are in mixed neurotype relationships. Often, they’re in partnerships with someone who is “neurotypical” or someone who has autism (because autism and ADHD are often super attracted to each other!). While these mixed neurotype relationships are often spicy in a good way, they can feel really stressful too. 

For folks with ADHD, some of the symptoms that may lead to relational stress are:

Low self esteem, experiences of being bullied or criticized for your ADHD may lead to:

• Feeling the need to overcompensate for “shortcomings”

• Feeling criticized by partner because of executive functioning struggles

• Experiencing confusion due to forgetfulness, so either covering up for your forgetfulness or feeling like others are gaslighting you

Dopamine needs may result in:

• Need for novelty, which can sometimes lead to extra conflict because conflict can give a dopamine rush (or adrenaline rush)

• May find long term relationships boring, hard to sustain

• May be drawn to high drama relationships or others with their own mental health struggles because the roller coaster offers excitement even if it’s stressful

• Difficulties with budgeting or sharing finances

Rejection sensitivity may lead to:

• Codependent dynamics or people pleasing

• Emotional “volatility”

• Conflict avoidance, so holding in your emotions and letting resentment build

Sensory needs and masking experiences may include:

• Need for time alone which the other partner may not understand

• Sensory sensitivities with physical intimacy

• Rigid needs at home with lights, sounds, smells, etc

In my work, I’ve found that these stressors can totally be worked on within the couple! It takes a lot of honesty, curiosity, and openness to understanding each other. It takes more intentional communication most of the time, and a willingness to learn about the other person’s neurotype. (It also helps to have a generally neuro-affirming stance and acceptance of difference). And, it takes knowing yourself and your brain pretty well.

This is also aided by some of the ADHD gems, as I like to call them. These are traits commonly associated with ADHD that make folks with this neurotype a delight:

• Quick wit and clever

• Strong sense of humor

• Spontaneous, enjoying adventures and trying new things

• Creative problem solvers

• Astute pattern recognizers

• Empathetic and intuitive

If you’re finding yourself in a mixed neurotype relationship that is strained by the differences in how you process and communicate, reach out for support! If you’re feeling misunderstood by your partner, it may help you to learn more about your own particular way of relating to the world and to build skill in communicating that without shame. 

I’ll write more next time about what to do for the neurotypical partner in this dynamic because I also love to work with this side of the partnership. Learning to open up and get curious about other neurotypes can be fun and deepening your understanding of your partner can feel connecting and sweet. 

Reach out if you’d like more support on building deeper connections in your mixed neuro-type relationship!