It’s Not Actually All Your Fault: Personalization and How to Heal It

Let me tell you that interacting with other parents during play dates makes me so full of self doubt! These interactions are so fraught for me. We are at a playground or kid’s party, and it’s so overstimulating. We are all trying to watch our kids but also chat with each other.  I am trying so hard to build connections and community, so I am working it. But then the other parent barely answers my question or doesn’t respond to my joke, or pulls a face. Oh god, what did I say to upset them? Did I misread their vibe? Am I being weird (again)? Do they not like me?  I debrief every interaction after I leave, sometimes multiple times with multiple people. Is this kind of thing normal? What do you think their facial expression meant? Was it because of how I look?  I just can’t do this well! 

Everything that other parent does or says, or doesn’t do or doesn’t say, feels like a reflection on my likeability. Like, if only I could be charming and say all the right things, then our connection could be smooth and easy. (Subtext- if only I could be perfect, then I can control the social interaction…)

In psychology, this is generally called personalization. It’s when I attribute everything someone else does or doesn't do to myself and my assumed flaws. When I describe it to clients, I describe it as an attribution error which can help understand it as a cognitive distortion. This is something brains do that’s not true or accurate. 

So why do we do this to ourselves? 

Sometimes we learn to do this. Especially if we are neurodivergent, we learn to defer interpretation to others. If we are in larger bodies, we learn that we are automatically judged or dismissed. If we are othered because of our race, gender expression, class, health status, etc, then we learn to default to the others’ point of view. This is reinforced through gaslighting and dominant cultural narratives. 

Sometimes our families reinforce this. Sometimes our internal experiences do not match the experiences of others, so we assume we are wrong and they are right. Sometimes social situations are confusing, and the only data we have to solve the puzzle is our own experience. So, it must be us that’s wrong. Sometimes years of self criticism turns into chronic self doubt. 

I can keep going with finding the reasons why we do this because frankly there are so many patterns that create personalization. I see it with almost every neurodivergent client I work with. I also see it with almost every client who’s in a larger body. I certainly see it with clients who come from high control religions, with clients who are trans or nonbinary,  with clients who were socialized female, etc etc. I see it all the time for so many reasons! 

Healing personalization is so, so liberating. It is not about now blaming everyone else, or assuming you’re flawless and perfect. It’s breaking out of the hierarchy between you and the other person altogether! It’s externalizing and looking at the context of the interaction. It’s thinking bigger and expanding your point of view. 

Okay, so let’s take the example of my awkward interaction with another parent at a play date (which is very, very real…). Instead of analyzing myself and all my possible missteps, I could look at the broader situation. Maybe that parent pulled a face because their kid was not taking turns on the slide or maybe their back hurts from picking up a toddler all the time (same, girl). Or maybe they had another thought come into their head like “omg I have to pick up milk after this”. Or whatever! There could be so many reasons for that facial expression! Maybe it actually had nothing to do with me! And maybe there was nothing wrong with them pulling a face! 

Think of how to neutralize the interaction by taking in the context. Here we are on a playground with our kids. We are both distracted in the conversation, watching our kids and intervening. There’s a lot of other stimuli around us too. Likely we are both tired and both managing a lot in our minds. 

Watch for your own inner critic trying to create a narrative. If you typically put yourself down, assume the worst about yourself, and have a hard time believing in your likeability, that’s going to show up in how you interpret the interaction! That shame is bigger than this interaction and needs more direct healing (like in therapy). Simply put, that’s your shame baggage and no one asked you to bring it! 

Recognize the reality of honestly not knowing why. You are not in that person’s head. You don’t have the data to know why they pulled a face. You are not in control of their behavior and you’re probably not taking up that much space in their mind. 

Work on creating kinder self talk. Even if you said something that was “weird” or “wrong”, you are still likeable and still worthy of respectful interactions. You’re still a good friend or a good parent, etc. This can be really hard to do on your own, so again may be a good thing to bring to therapy. 

Lastly, I’ll say that personalization is a great reminder to not always listen to your mind. It can be helpful to check in with how that interaction made you feel emotionally, or how your body responded during it. Other parts of you may be able to offer more accurate data. 

Personalization is super, super common and is super, super treatable! Reach out for therapy resources today!